The "Dark Night of the Soul" is a profound period of inner turmoil and spiritual crisis that can last for an extended period. In my case, it began unexpectedly and worsened over time, leading me to question my mental health and spiritual beliefs.
After leaving behind my previous life, I found temporary solace in familiar distractions. However, beneath the surface, I was battling depression, fixations, and self-imposed isolation.
As someone with spiritual inclinations, I struggled with feelings of abandonment by a higher power despite my prayers for help. It wasn't until I discovered the concept of the Dark Night of the Soul that I found an understanding of what I was going through.
The journey through the Dark Night of The Soul is marked by confusion, helplessness, and a sense of God's absence. Yet, there is hope on the other side—a period of "unselfing" and surrender to divine will, akin to a rebirth into a new understanding of life's purpose.
While the process is daunting, it offers the potential for profound growth, spiritual awakening, and personal transformation. As I continue to navigate my own journey, I'm reminded that the challenges we face are often the catalysts for our greatest transformations. Through it all, I hold onto the belief that the rewards of overcoming the darkness are worth every moment of pain.
For those of you who aren’t familiar, Google defines the “Dark Night of the Soul” as an informal way to describe an extremely difficult and painful period in one’s life. It’s also known as a synonym for a crisis of faith and can last for a very, very long time. And it did for me.
As I detailed in the first blog, this started for me kind of randomly and eventually got worse over time. I didn’t really know what I was dealing with and thought that maybe I was in some long bout of depression and honestly, it feels like that most of the time. Very melancholy. I’ve used the words “it feels like you’re in a really deep, dark hole and there is no light to show you the way”. It’s not uncommon to feel like everything is working against you, feeling this sense of an identity crisis, and not being able to feel God anymore.
I explained previously that I moved out of my house and away from the only life I’d ever known to live with my best friend. That lasted about a month before I was finally able to find an apartment of my own not too far away from my work. Once I moved out on my own, I had the sense of freedom that I thought I was looking for all along. But I also was left alone with my thoughts… and the black hole. Something I dealt with for the first six months with something I learned was called “buffering”. You know when you’re watching a video and suddenly you see the forbidden wheel because your Wi-Fi or service isn’t very strong? That’s the same thing as what we as human beings do when we’re avoiding what’s really going on deep within our minds. Buffering for me was coming home from work everyday to sit on the couch and re-watch “The Office” for maybe the hundredth time. As soon as I finished the series (which is quick because those episodes are only 20 minutes), I’d restart from the beginning. And I did that for six months. Literally.
I think I watched “The Office” because it’s kind of the show of my old life. Certain episodes would bring me back to specific memories and I’d feel a sense of distraction from my current state for a couple of minutes. I also know all the episodes; I think I can quote the entire series all the way through so there were never any surprises and my life outside of TV entrapment was in shambles.
Eventually, I really was in a depression. I wasn’t eating, I acquired several new fixations, and for a few months I just isolated myself completely from the outside world. If I was around people, they asked questions, and I was content inside my apartment with my empty brain and the ability to avoid dealing with anything that could propel me out of whatever I was in.
I’ve always been a spiritual person. When I was younger, I was raised Catholic - but with my adult age, I was able to form my own opinions and would consider myself spiritual. I believe in God, I pray to God, but I don’t appreciate the “rules” of some formal religious views. And the truth is, during the days when I felt most alone, I’d pray out loud to the God that I’ve always talked to. But after months and months of feeling no movement within myself, I was convinced there wasn’t a God. I needed help and I was crying out, but I felt left out in the cold. And that’s when I discovered the Dark Night. It wasn’t my cure, but it was nice to know that other people had dealt with what I was going through in the past, even if it looked completely different.
Everything I read, a period marked by confusion, helplessness, stagnation of will, and a sense of the withdrawal of God’s presence - I resonated with. But what I also learned was what comes out on the other side of this. A final period of “unselfing” and the surrender to the hidden purposes of the divine will. I was “re-birthing” and I feel like actual birth is almost the perfect analogy. I don’t think anyone remembers coming out of the womb, but I imagine it’s scary to be so warm and comfortable somewhere for an extended period only to be completely evicted by muscle contractions and squeezed through a small opening. To what? Some cold air and life as we know it? Yeah, seems like it would be traumatizing to me. Although, on the other side of all that- there is this magic of being in our world. Plus, prolonged time in that comfortable womb and it becomes dangerous. Sometimes the things that seem the scariest become our biggest blessings.
If you find yourself here. Keep sticking around because I promise I have so much more to share about my experience. But remember that God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. And what is on the other side is worth every dark night.
Love,
The Wounded Lover
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