Regret is Unhealed Wounds: Part III - The Final Part

Happy August! In my last blog, I poured out all the emotions I was dealing with, and I'm still working through them. But now, I've shifted my focus back to myself, trying to understand why I felt that way. I've realized that going through tough times often means shedding old identities—what some call "Ego Death". It's uncomfortable but necessary for growth. The journey isn't easy, but by making small, consistent efforts to prioritize yourself and your well-being, you'll start to see progress. It’s all about building healthy habits, staying consistent, and not rushing the healing process. Even when you stumble, the key is to get back up and keep going. Remember, every experience shapes who you are and where you're headed. You're exactly where you're meant to be.

Happy August! Sometimes we have a tendency to get caught up in the chaos that is summertime, just remember to take care of yourself while you’re there. 

My last blog was basically a thought dump of everything that I was dealing with, still am kind of. But since then, I’ve really tried to turn my focus back onto myself to reflect on why I was feeling those feels. This is what I came up with:

During your Dark Night of the Soul, the ego goes somewhere to die. Ego Death is a term that refers to a complete loss of your self-identity. Everything you thought you were and everything that mattered to you almost transforms into something different. I explain it as different because it doesn’t mean that important things stop being important, but you view things with such a fresh perspective and it does lead to a restructure of your priorities. In one respect, this death doesn’t sound like the worst thing- but in the midst of it, you’re essentially a snake shedding its skin. The last blog post was my ego taking over again. For a minute there, I got really good at controlling her. I was ready to leave her behind and finally make strides to where I’m going. 

What I forgot was that your ego doesn’t want to die and it will do anything in its power to remain exactly where it is and exactly how it is. It shows itself in the anxious thoughts that keep you up at night, the irritability that comes on for no reason at all, and the bitterness towards something that doesn’t really hold power over you anymore. Your ego is where you feel most comfortable. When your ego is dying, you're living through the discomfort that means you’re growing- except you are not surrounded by validation. You’re constantly questioning your every decision and life feels like you're walking a tightrope high enough that one wrong move leads to an awful freefall to a hard ground. 

So what can you do about it? For one, this is absolutely easier said than done- or at least in my experience. Everyday I think to myself how I should just do something and then a week goes by and I realize I never did whatever that thing was. But if you spend everyday TRYING and making some sort of conscious effort, then you’ll make progress eventually. It’s a lot like faking it until you make it, then the next thing you know, you’re doing it. 

For me, my starting line was focusing on myself and only myself. Spend those nights alone, doing whatever your favorite things are and just be present with yourself. Prioritize your health and your well being. Try to get in exercise on some sort of regular basis, even if it’s a 5 minute walk outside. Hang out with your closest friends when you need to but don’t be afraid of setting personal boundaries either. Recently, I realized that I have a love for going to restaurants alone. I was always kind of scared of it but when I was traveling alone for work, I brought my book and just hopped around to local restaurants and I had the best time with myself. However, I feel like it’s important to explain that being alone is great and getting comfortable alone is even better- but this isn’t an excuse for you to buffer. Use this time to get comfortable being uncomfortable. And absolutely, protect your peace. 

Focusing on yourself I’ve realized is almost exactly like building a habit. It takes repetition and discipline. Compare working on yourself to someone who wants to lose weight. They can’t keep living the way that they are and expect that things are going to magically just happen for them, but if they make changes to their diet and put in an effort to stay consistent at the gym- overtime, the weight loss will come. However, those changes that they make have to be permanent, or else it would just be a matter of time until they start to feel the way that they did before. If you want to feel a certain way, you are the only one in control of you obtaining it. You have to want it bad enough to stick to your guns and make it happen. And then you have to keep doing it to maintain it. Whenever I implement a lifestyle change, I try to make it realistic. For instance, I know that I cannot do hardcore diets because it will always end with me absolutely binging from the restriction that I put myself on. But if I crawl before I run and implement small changes overtime, then soon enough I work myself into several small healthy habits that turn into one big lifestyle change. And the same goes for ego death as well. Moral of the story being, don’t rush your healing.

The purpose is to eventually get to a point where you’ve lived through your discomfort and you don’t need distractions to keep your mind off of things. When you spend so much time focusing on yourself, you learn things about yourself simultaneously. You become your own biggest fan and you realize all of the times that how you acted actually wasn’t in your best interest. You learn what you deserve and nothing and no one can take that away from you. It’s a mindset.

And even though it won’t happen overnight, you’ll reach this point where your ego doesn’t control you anymore. However, let’s not forget that you (most likely) will fall off the horse. And when that does happen, it’s not about beating yourself up about it, but about getting up and back on the horse and learning from whatever it was that knocked you off in the first place. That’s where I was in Part II. But I’ve gotten back up, dusted myself off and I’m ready to ride again. 

Something that I’ve recently learned though, being triggered by past events doesn’t mean you aren’t healed or that your healing is stalled. Although, sometimes it is a good wake up call that a certain part of you needs more attention. But I think it’s completely normal to have some things that just strike a cord with us. However, I don’t think those things are regret. Instead, it’s certain life events that we have to remember because they play a crucial role in who we are today. Without them, we wouldn’t have ever started our journeys to where we are supposed to end up. They serve as our constant reminders of where we were and where we are going. As I always say, remind yourself that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

Love,

The Wounded Lover