In this post, I reflect on my dating journey since moving out two years ago. Initially, I swore off men to focus on myself after a messy breakup. But a work trip changed everything when I unexpectedly connected with someone who reignited hope in me. Despite the intense connection, I found myself self-sabotaging, which led me to realize that "wounded people, wound people." I learned valuable lessons about setting boundaries, embracing risks, and understanding that healing must come from within. This post explores those lessons and the importance of being your own source of joy.
Buckle up, this one is going to be a long one. Since moving out two years ago, I didn’t really know what I was going to do in terms of my dating life. When I first left, I was kind of seeing someone and I’ll definitely dive more into that in a later blog post but for the most part, I was committed to figuring myself out (and the divorce) so that I could be a better version of me when the time was right. At first, the person I was [kind of] seeing was a good distraction for me and kept me busy enough to not spend all of my time wallowing in my own pity, but that ended up crashing and burning- in probably the messiest way that it could have. It was when that ended that I swore off all men and all expectations. I didn’t actively try dating anyone, I wasn’t really going out that often, and I wasn’t even talking to anyone. It was just me and honestly, I miss her and the mindset that I had when I was there. For context though, it’s not like I had any active options; no men were sliding into my DM’s, in the off-chance that I did go out, no one approached me. It was just me, and I was very lonely. I don’t remember exactly but I do think I spent a fair amount of time daydreaming about what it would be like to meet someone who swept me off my feet and was exactly what I was looking for in a man. Someone adventurous, passionate, and allowed me to be me.
Disclaimer: I’m about to tell a story that will tie this entire blog together but for privacy reasons- I have to leave out some key details. Mainly because in the off chance that someone does stumble upon this, it would absolutely RUIN me. However, I’ll try my best to make this make sense.
Fast forward about two months, my coworker turned bestie and I were traveling for work. It was for an event where networking is practically the entire purpose of attending. So we filled our schedules with customer and supplier cocktail hours (of course) insert girl flipping hair emoji . Keep in mind, I went into this trip with no expectations of anything at all, for the first time in a while I had no choice but to solely focus on myself for the past couple of months AND it was for work. Actually, I remember kind of dreading this trip, I knew it would end up being fun because I was traveling with my best friend but we were also traveling with several other people who were not my first pick for lack of better words (hence, all the scheduled cocktail hours). Anyways, on the last night of the trip we had a cocktail hour scheduled with one of our suppliers and honestly, I was not looking forward to it. Long story short, we kind of tarnished our relationship with them recently and my friend and I were trying to mend it over these drinks. Basically, we went the entire week without hearing any additional details about this meeting and because of our current relationship status, we kind of thought that was on purpose. So being the professional girlies we are, we had to FIND THEM at the event on the morning that our meeting was scheduled so that we could confront them in person as to whether we were still planning to meet. Our plan was simple, all we were going to do was approach them (very, very nicely- of course) and just say “hey, were were supposed to have drinks tonight but we haven’t heard anything from you and if you don’t want to get drinks, it’s totally cool but we just wanted to stop by and ask”. Also, kind of funny side note- I was actually the one who scheduled the drinks with them so to say I was mortified to have to do this is an understatement. I approached with my head literally down, staring at my feet.
I finally lifted my head up and to my surprise, we were greeted with the nicest smiles from two men from their team. One whom I had previously met and then someone new. And if I wasn’t already mortified enough, the guy whom I had already met didn’t remember me and I had to be like “um, we’ve met before”. However, it turned out that all four of us (my friend, the two guys, and me) were around the same age and the funny banter started immediately. It was so fun, it felt like we’d known them for years. Laced within the banter there was also a hint of flirtation, one that I could feel almost immediately; although, I kept telling myself that it didn’t exist. At one point, I took out my phone to write down in my notes app where we were getting drinks and as soon as my phone hit my hands, one of the guys so nonchalantly said “oh, actually it would be a good idea to exchange numbers so that we can communicate easier”. Sure.
We attended the meeting with more members of their team and the great conversation continued. Within five minutes of us sitting down for these drinks, every single one of them asked us what our plans were for after dinner. Which was a total score because then we had even more of an excuse to not have to hang out with our other coworkers (I know, I sound mean but truly if only you knew). And it was the way that these men interacted with us that boosted our egos, something that I honestly needed since I’d been so lonely leading up to this trip.
As soon as they had finished dinner, I got a text about meeting up with them. So what did we do? We scooted over to their hotel to hang out. It was a blast, we talked and enjoyed drinks the entire night. The banter was unmatched and definitely not something you easily find in a work setting. I started noticing one of the guys staying seemingly close to me. Eventually I started to read into it but I got a glass of PIPING hot tea served to me by one of the other guys about a certain situation that eased my delusion enough to know I WAS reading into it. Until…the night took a turn and eventually I wasn’t delusional at all. This guy came on STRONG. In my delusion, I told myself that it probably wouldn’t be a great idea to allow anything to happen that would further make this working relationship harder than it needed to be. I am being 100% truthful when I say, I really tried to not let the line get crossed. Anytime he would make an abundantly flirtatious comment towards me, I would shoot it down. But then he would just keep going. And I was really enjoying the attention.
Around five hours and seven seltzers later, there was no line anymore. He barged through my guard until there wasn’t a guard anymore. Although, I really did still have it in my mind that even though it was fun to flirt, it was going to end when we left to go back to our hotel for the night. As 3am rolled around, we finally said our goodbyes but it was definitely suggested that I stay the night with him multiple times- which I turned down. As soon as we started our walk back, I got a text to come back to their hotel. I put up a good fight, I told him I’m not crossing the line but he responded with “why can’t we just hang out”. With encouragement from my friend and the seltzers, call me naive, but I turned around and went back. However, I stood my ground, WE ARE ONLY HANGING OUT. And we did. He had an early flight but we really did just go back to his room and talk while he packed up his things. We talked about our families and our personal lives- with a fair amount of flirting, too.
I cannot sit here and write that absolutely nothing happened between us, we were…close, to say the least. But throughout the few hours we spent with each other, he said things to me that I have never had a man say to me before. Even if he was saying all of these things to entice me to sleep with him, they still seemed so specific and deep for someone who only had intentions of a one night stand. The things he said still haunt my thoughts sometimes and this was quite some time ago. And I can’t explain it- but, I had a gut feeling that if I let him all the way in, I’d end up getting hurt. That I knew his true intentions, even if I really didn’t. Nonetheless, I shot down every single thing he said to me. Oh, we should see each other when you’re in the area? No way, you don’t mean that. Over and over again, I downplayed everything he said to me because this wasn’t real, right? I even went as far as to call him a f**k boy for everything he was saying, which in retrospect- actually seemed like it was hurting his feelings. But at that moment, all I cared about was keeping my head straight so I didn’t get hurt. Relationships only build like this in the movies? His flight ended up getting canceled and he asked me to move mine so that we could spend the day together. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I would have said yes. It wasn’t until the following week that I realized that I actually had a major crush on this guy, a crush that I really did not see coming. We’d met before, so I thought I knew what I was in for. He seemed like he checked all my boxes.
Obviously, this was not the end of this situation since we kind of worked together. But it really only went downhill from there. There were several other things that ended up happening where I was just left so confused. And I never really got to tell him how he truly made me feel that night. In reality, I self-sabotaged the heck out of that opportunity. The night it happened and all the other times following. After a lot of self reflection though, I think he was hiding his own demons too. Which leads to the point of this blog: wounded people, wound people.
I shot him down right from the start and he shot me down every time after that.
Following meeting him, I somewhat took a downward spiral in my romantic endeavors. I’ve entertained several guys since that night (and I don’t mean in the bedroom) and I’ve ended it all the same every time. I thrive off their attention even though I know pretty early on that I don’t see any potential with them and then I slowly cut off the communication. And I know that I’ve hurt several of them by not just being up front and honest about it. I’m wounded and other people can’t heal those wounds for me, it’s something that I need to do on my own. And I’m a wounded lover, a girl who needs to define exactly what she’s looking for and not be afraid of the repercussions or loneliness that might accompany me while I find it.
When I got back from this trip, I was talking to a friend about it. Before anything else happened, I told her that I felt like the universe sent him to me as a lesson. And over the course of time, I think I learned what that lesson was. First, I think he was sent to me to prove that someone like him exists. I had lost hope and he reignited the flame. Second, life is too short to not say the things you want to say or do the things you want to do. Say yes more often even if the situation seems risky. Move the flight. Third, assert boundaries and stick to them. If someone is saying all the right things, ask them if they mean them. And if you don’t feel the same way, you owe it to yourself and them to say that, too. Fourth, don’t be afraid to manifest the type of love that you want, but don’t get attached to the outcome. Rejection sucks. But if it’s not them and it’s not right now, then it only means that something even better is meant for you. Take every experience for what it is and learn from it. And lastly, wounded people, wound people. Only you have the power to make yourself whole again and attachment to an outcome that you know nothing about is a pretty strong sign that you might not be in the right place for it now. Self sabotaging a situation is also another strong sign that you may subconsciously not be ready. And it saves yourself and other people some pain and suffering by just being upfront about it from the start and not entertaining it at all. Another person should not be the source of your joy, you are your own joy. They are just someone to share it with.
Love,
The Wounded Lover
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